Jokes

My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given the chance.

Her list: Paul Rudd, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum

My list: Her best friend Stephanie, that barista at our coffee shop, and my ex girlfriend

My girlfriend said, “You act like a detective too much. I want to split up.”

“Good idea,” I replied. “We can cover more ground that way.”

What’s the opposite of an Aphrodisiac?
Wedding cake

Pulled out a couple of nose hairs to see if it hurts.

Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the train, it seems fucking painful.

Three Russian generals walk into a bar.
No wait, two Russian generals walk into a bar.
….one?

Zero?

Ukrainian bartender: “Fucking snipers, they kill all the jokes.”

The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer.
I said “looking for cheap flights.”She got very excited and said “I love you,” then got on her knees and gave me the best blow job I’ve ever had.
Which surprised me as she’s never been interested in darts before