Jokes

Women are quick to leave a man who lives with his mom but will mess with a man who lives with his wife.

My wife stopped the car today and asked a guy for some directions.
“What’s the quickest way to get to the town centre?” she asked.
“Swap seats with your husband.” He said.

I didn’t have alcohol for a week and got a text from my Liver, “Hey there! You still alive?”

Just got nominated for an Oscar for
my role as “man surprised his credit
card was declined”

My girlfriend broke up with me.
I guess it’s time to take things in my own hands now.

The kidnapper rang and said to me, “€10,000 and you get your wife back.”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman.
“€20,000 and she’s all yours.” I said.

My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill

When standing in line, I only hate the people in front of me.
The people behind me are cool.

A husband coming home from a confession and lifts his wife and carries her on his shoulder. Wife: Did the priest tell you to be so romantic like this? Husband: No, he told me to carry my cross.

My wife came in starving today so I made her a great big sandwich.
“Don’t eat it just yet, just hold the plate” I said.
Five minutes later I took it from her and threw it in the trash.
“What the fuck?!” she snarled.
“Remember this feeling,” I said. “Next time you come to bed all sexy, in a nightie, smelling gorgeous and ask me just to hold you.”