really good..

Either my boyfriend has early signs of Parkinson’s or I just gave him a really good blow-job.

i can explain

I lost my phone, so if you find it I can explain the pictures.
I suspected my hamster had hypothermia so I needed to stick him somewhere warm, quickly.

best friend

A friend will share their lunch.
A good friend will buy you lunch.
A best friend will eat your lunch

Some advice:

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut after.


I’m about to start my work, but first let me disamble my stapler and name and polish every part.

not in a mood

I had to laugh last night when my boyfriend said he wasn’t in the mood for sex.

As if it’s an option.


Sometimes I stay awake wondering if there’s a number between 1 and 10 that thinks of me too.


I’m going to purchase a dictionary, as after watching Final Destination 5, I clearly don’t understand the meaning of Final.