Jokes

I had a dream I was swimming in chocolate, but when I woke up ……nevermind

Women can use sex to get what they want.
Men can’t because, well, what they want is sex.

Arguing with a woman is like reading the Software License Agreement.

In the end, you’re just ignoring everything & click, “I agree.”

It turns out that a monkey cannot in fact do my job, long story short, he got us both fired.

If there was an award for laziness,
I’d probably send someone to pick it up for me.

A married couple is remodeling their home and getting new doors so the husband asks his wife to go get hinges. She goes to the hardware store, picks out the hinges, and pays for them. As she is leaving the clerk realizes that she didn’t get a screw for the hinge and says “Hey! Do you want a screw for that hinge?”

She looks at him and says “No I got it, but I’ll blow you for that coffee maker.”

They made an engaging looking couple in the swank restaurant: The man was handsome, graying and obviously well off; the woman was a joy to any eye – very young, ravishing and delectable.

As they each read their menus, the gentleman asked his date what she would like to eat.

Read More »No one at home…

HUSBAND: Darling, if I lost my sight, would you be my eyes for me?
WIFE: Of course I would sweetheart.
HUSBAND: If I lost my hearing, would you be my ears?
WIFE: Absolutely honey. HUSBAND: If I lost my legs would you push me in a wheelchair? WIFE: You don’t need to ask. Why all the questions? HUSBAND: I just sprained my wrist….

When I was a kid, a selfie was something you did with a bottle of lotion.

Dear Heart {♥} ,
Please stop getting involved in everything.
Your job is to pump blood, that’s it…