Jokes

I was in a bar the other night and I overheard a couple of overweight women talking to each other near me. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I was curious, and asked them about it. “Hello, are you ladies here from Scotland?” One of them yelled, “It’s Wales, you bloody idiot, Wales!” So I apologized and said, “Sorry, are you whales here from Scotland?” …And that’s the last thing I remember.

*its not you its me *
in america -means breaking up
in asia -just means they are looking at pictures of people

I just spent 6 hours linking all of my watches together to make a belt.

It was a complete waist of time.

Latex Factory!
A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud ‘hiss-pop’ noise..Read More »latex factory

I danced like no-one was watching, but someone was………they called an ambulance because they thought I was having a seizure…..

After hearing that he has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, Putin said, “Tell me who the other nominees are ? and I will eliminate them.”

Leonardo DiCaprio:*names his child Oscar*

Doctor:”Would you like to hold h-”
Leonardo DiCaprio:”Say it like we rehearsed it.” Doctor:*sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”

‘I love you’ is a mathematical function where ‘I love’ is constant and
‘you’ is a variable..

Is it bad that after spending an hour with my psychologist, she has to spend two hours with hers?

Wife: What’s that beeping?”
Me: “That’s my seat belt alarm.”
Wife: “How can you ignore something so annoying?”
Me: “Huh?”