Jokes

Whenever I see hitchhikers, I just pretend they’re telling me I’m doing a good job driving.

All porn films should start with 5 seconds of music, to remind me that my volume is turned up.

???

Getting offended by something on the internet is like choosing to step in dogshit instead of walking around it.

Barcelona came to Anfield 4 nothing..

Teacher: Your daughter said the F word in class.

Me: Well…She didn’t fucking learn it from me.

The only advantage other people have over me is that they can kiss my ass and I can’t.

New scientific evidence has come to light that one beer takes nine minutes off your life.

According to my calculations, I died sometime in September 1845…

I phoned a Chinese Restaurant last night and the man said, “harrow, I’m Wang Kin the Chef”

I said, “No worries mate, I’ll call back later!”

It’s not about how many times you fall. It’s about how many times you get back up.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work, sir.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone over 40 told me my generation sucks….Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.