Jokes

Her: Our sex life has really improved
Therapist: Why do you think that is? Her: I’ve learnt how to appreciate the small things in life

Being a college student is hard. Every day, you have to clear up your schedule and make time to sit down and focus, find the right material, make sure no one will interrupt, and really zone in on completion. By the end of the night your eyes are dry and your wrist is sore. And sometimes after all the wanking, you still have to fucking study.”

I still wear a mask…
because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public ?

Had a warning from Facebook for a joke so here is the edited version ?

**** ***** *********** *** **** *** ****** *** * **** ******* ***** ***** ****** ** !!

What a classic

So I noticed my wife put on some weight lately
For her birthday I got her a dress 2 sizes smaller with a note “I’m looking forward to seeing you in this” thinking this might motivate her.

The next day, I found the exact same note for me except it was on a pack of large sized condoms.

Why are the Russian forces in Ukraine using the symbol “Z”?
Because the other half of the swastika fell off due to poor Russian maintenance.

I’d never be unfaithful to my wife…
I love my house too much.

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife’s lovely voice from the kitchen.
“What would you like for dinner, my Love. . . Chicken, beef or lamb?”
I said, “Thank you, I’ll have chicken.”
She replied “You’re having soup, a**hole. I was talking to the cat.”

A husband and wife sit down for a serious discussion.
The husband holds his wife’s hand and says “I know I haven’t been the best husband, but I need you to know I love you, and something serious is going to happen.”
The wife curiously asks “what’s going to happen?”
The husband starts to cry and says “I’m going to die, the doctor has given me 4 months to live.”
The wife laughs and slaps her husband’s hand and says “you’re going to be just fine” then stands up and walks away.
The husband stays sitting there, heartbroken and confused.
4 months pass by and the doctor says the man is in great health and is amazed at how well he is doing. During the appointment, the doctor looks over to the wife and says “it’s an absolute miracle! Your husband is going to live a long full life, he told me you were acting normal as usual and weren’t distraught in the slightest. Tell me, did you know this was going to happen?

The wife then nods and says “that bastard doesn’t do anything he says he’s going to.”

Volodymyr Zelenskyy is the greatest comedian of all time.

He even turned Vladimir Putin into a joke.