Jokes

Of course I’m a medical professional, and what do you mean your previous gynecologist never performed a “taste test” ?

My mate told me that his girlfriend talks in her sleep.

“I know” probably wasn’t the best answer.

Dinner table etiquette help needed:
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?

I’m drunk so much tequila last night I woke up speaking Spanish this morning

Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me: Only when I drink
Doctor: How often do you drink?
Me: Yeah, I smoke

Last night my wife found me in the pub, threw a pint over my head, and called me a ‘fucking cock’.

Every year she has to go and ruin our wedding anniversary.

I’ve been having an affair with a film director’s wife.
Yesterday he caught us in bed together. He was furious.
I said to him, “Look, mate, don’t make a scene.”

If only God can judge us than Santa has some explaining to do.

When we break something-
5%- Fix it.
10%- Tell someone that you broke it.
85%- Fix it just enough so that the next person who uses it thinks that they broke it.

Best break-up line:
I get so emotional when your not around..
I call that emotion Happiness.