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Jokes

  • who

    ‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’ Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
    ”Who?”
    Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’

  • with what

    Some bloke accused me of trying to pick pocket him today.
    “You’re too slow for me” he laughed. “Now fuck off before I call the police”
    I said “With what?”

  • from my mistakes

    I like to think I learn from my mistakes. Last night is a perfect example.

    My kids showed me how to operate my new DVD player.

  • turn on

    When I undress in the bathroom, the shower gets turned on.

  • moment

    Me: “This is a heart touching moment”

    Her: “No, you have your hands on my boobs”

  • remember

    Can you explain how this lipstick got on your collar? asked a suspicious wife.
    No, I can’t, the husband said.
    I distinctly remember taking my shirt off.

  • element

    I’ve been suspended from school for another three days.
    When my science teacher asked me what my favourite element was, karate chopping her and saying “Element of Surprise” was wrong.

  • check

    I have a doctors appointment tomorrow for an MRI to find out if I’m claustrophobic.

  • fun fact

    Fuck a woman and she’ll love you…love a woman and she’ll fuck you!

  • complaint

    I’m absolutely disgusted! Easter is almost over and I can’t find any christmas cards on sale yet.