Jokes

The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked if he was going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014.

Me: “Hey babe, I’m at the hospital, I cut off my finger.”
Wife: “Oh no, the whole finger?” 
Me:”No, no…the one next to it.” 

I went in a CD store and asked the guy behind the counter if they had any Run DMC records.
“Walk this way,” he replied.

They never see each other…BUT
1. They blink together.
2. They move together. 3. They cry together. 4. They see together. 5. They sleep together. They share a very deep bonded relationship. However, when they see a pretty woman, one will blink and another will not… Moral of the story: A pretty woman can break any relationship.

“I’ve got a boyfriend,” is a woman’s’s way of saying fuck off and leave me alone.
“I’ve got a girlfriend,” is a man’s way of proposing a threesome.

When I die, I’m not going to Heaven or Hell, I’m going to the Complaint Department.

My mom caught me
masturbating when I was 14. My
dad caught me smoking when I was 16 and he made me smoke 20 in a row. I’m so fucking glad my dad didn’t catch me masturbating…

A new study has found that women
find it seven times easier to read
men’s facial expressions than men
have reading women’s. That’s mostly because we’re not looking at their faces…

Cable company: No problem sir, a technician will be out tomorrow between 10:00AM and Thursday

She believes in honesty and wears a padded bra.