Jokes

My girlfriend just got a very interesting fortune cookie:
‘Every exit is an entrance to a new experience’
“Wow” she said, “are you thinking what I’m thinking?”
I fucking hope so.

The only time of year in which one can sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of a sock.

My wife said last night, “Do you realise my mother is coming over for dinner in 5 minutes?”
I replied, “Yes I know, I’m getting ready now”
“That sounds like her car pulling up outside”
“No, that’s my taxi, see you later”

Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement – not even her parent’s nasty divorce.Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ”Read More »Before her

A woman has sued a hospital, stating that, after recent treatment, her husband had lost interest in sex.
The doctors replied: ‘All we did was correct his eyesight’

If one of Santa’s helpers takes a
picture of himself with his
smartphone, is that an “elfie”?

It’s funny how most men prefer specific fats on a woman’s body, while most women prefer specific muscles on a male body.

“I’m going to pay for this in the morning,” I slurred after downing a bottle of whiskey.

“No you’re not,” said the shop keeper.

I went to see a nurse about my concerns my penis is too small.
“There’s absolutely nothing there to worry about” She said Fucking bitch, could have given it to me gently.

Strippers are just married prostitutes. Think about it, they’ll tease you all daym but they’ll NEVER sleep with you.