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Jokes

  • Why did Joseph Stalin always write in lower case letters?

    He hated capitalism.

  • C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.

    The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them.After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. So D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, “Excuse me; I’ll just be a second.”Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, “Get out! You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight!”That’s when E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, “You’re looking sharp tonight! Come on in, this could be a major development!” Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility which leads to the moral of our story:Never let a pianist tell you puns because when it comes to e-flats that are really e-minors theyre nothing but treble. They’ll bring you down, you’ll always get the e-b-g-b’s, 9 times outta 10 they’ll play it by ear, & every time they do the joke will fall flat.

  • If riding a dick was a sport, what would it be called?

    Whores riding.

  • Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch

    Ouch

  • Kim Kardashian tried to break the internet.

    She didn’t succeed but she did leave a large visible crack.

  • My kids kept finding all the presents I hid around the house so someone suggested I keep them in the attic.

    Now they are crying up there and saying it’s too cold and dark.

  • Why’d the shy spy lose his job?

    He was too embarrassed about being debriefed.

  • How many stoners does it take to change a light bulb?

    Wait, what?

  • So there’s this guy drinking at a bar, getting absolutely shit faced

    Near the end of the night, after he had a few too many, he pukes all over his shirt. He’s yells out “oh fuck, not again, my wife is going to kill me.”Hearing this, the bartender tells him to take a $20 bill out of his wallet, and put it in his shirt pocket, and when he gets home to tell his wife that someone else puked on him, and gave him $20 to have the shirt cleaned.Thinking this is a great idea, the man heads home to his wife.As he stumbles into the house, his wife asks what the hell happened. “Well you see, I was having a quiet night, when this guy puked all over me. But don’t worry, he gave me $20 to have it cleaned.” He then pulls the bill out of his shirt pocket and gives it to his wife.The wife looks at the bill and says “this isn’t a $20 bill it’s a $50 bill.”The man responds “oh right, he also shit my pants.”

  • A man runs into a store.

    He approaches the shopkeeper and exclaims, “Help! help! I’ve met a beautiful girl, but she’s trapped at the bottom of a well.”

    The shopkeeper reaches behind the counter and pulls out a long cord. “Here throw this down the well and use it to pull her up” he says.

    The man thanks him and runs out of the store with the cord. A few minutes later the man returns empty handed.

    “What happened?” Asks the shopkeeper, “did it work?”

    The man looks at him and says, “Well, I threw the cord in like you said, but she wouldn’t take it. I think I’m going to need a better pick up line.”