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Jokes

  • A rabbi a priest and an imam argue whose God is bigger

    A rabbi a priest and an imam argue whose God is bigger.The imam says “mine is the biggest God and I’ll give you an example; I was on a ship sailing across the Atlantic ocean when a storm started. The waves were as high as buildings, the wind so strong it almost turned the ship over. The captain said all is lost and we will surely drown. I closed my eyes and prayed to Allah and lo and behold – a circle of calm water, as flat as a mirror, surrounded the ship and we cruised peacefully in the midst of the storm until we reached safety”.The priest said “that’s nothing. I was once on an airplane flying across the Atlantic ocean when a storm started. There were lightnings striking around us with force, the wind so strong it almost tore the airplane apart. The captain said all is lost and we will surely crash. I closed my eyes and prayed to Jesus and lo and behold – a circle of calm air, as quiet as outer space, surrounded the airplane and we flu peacefully in the midst of the storm until we reached safety”.”That’s nothing” said the rabbi. “I was leaving the synagog once after the Friday prayer, all full of holiness and greatness from the Sabbath that has just arrived, when I spotted a wallet full of money on the sidewalk in front of me. Being as Jews are not allowed to touch money on a Sabbath, I closed my eyes and prayed to God and lo and behold – a circle of Thursday surrounded me and I pocketed the wallet”.

  • What’s meaner than a pitbull with AIDS?

    The man who gave it to him. Via shared needles.

  • The Ninja Bug

    Pretty minor horror story, which isn’t based around bad DMing, ooc drama, idiot actions, just really really bad luck.So, unusually, I am Co DMing here, if only cause the other DM doesn’t think she can do it and they wanted me to make the setting.I am playing a “Guest” character who is a little OP for where our characters are, but only cause it wouldn’t make sense for someone as experienced as her to be as strong as the players. To avoid power tripping, she basically watches the other side of the caravan during some random events.Well, we have some large insects attack the caravan so the encounter is on one side. Things go well, but then we get to Ninja Bug….No matter what, nobody could hit the damn thing and it couldn’t hit back because we keep rolling 1s and 2s. After almost ten actions of missing, I just ask everyone if we could just finish it. These bugs fight to the death….so I have NPC come over, see them struggling, and decides to help. Roll… 1.This makes us go “Oh my fucking god. So I just pick up the dice, flip it to 20, slam it down, and say “Fuck it. It’s a 20.” So the DM announces its bloody demise as it explodes into a million pieces.We roll more for kicks and we cannot break double digits, so we were convinced we were cursed.

  • What do you call a butchers conference

    A meating

  • I asked my local butcher if he had a sheep’s head?

    He said “no it’s just the way I part my hair”

  • I wonder if old houseflies tell the younger ones stories like:

    “Back in my day, it was Monday”.

  • Which subreddit is on top most of the time?

    I don’t know. Why don’t you askreddit?

  • What’s the plural of days? (wholesome)

    daisies:)

  • Girls always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

    Then they start calling me ugly and broke.

  • I’m a bartender

    Guy: One Mojito pleaseMe: SureGuy: Can you make it virgin?Me (Holding back tears): Yes… yes I can