Jokes

I called the psychic hotline by mistake tonight.

A woman answered and said, “Don’t worry, your pizza is on its way.”

Seriously, how can it be considered stealing when my neighbour’s WiFi signal was trespassing in MY house? I’m the victim here!

Asian kid: My blood test came back. Im B-

Asian parent: Go to room & study til blood is A+

F is for friends who do stuff without you.
U is for ur alone.
N is for no one wants to be with you because all you do is sit at home.

Victoria’s Secret?

You’ll never look like the girls in the ads.

Just how hairy was the guy, who invented the shampoo “Head n Shoulders”?

Boss: “You’re not suppose to be drinking on the job!”
Me: “You’re not suppose to cheat on your wife.”
Boss: “Keep up the good work”

Quit quoting me, girls. I was a whore. Not a philosopher!
– Marilyn Monroe

Her: excuse me I’m up here.
Me: excuse me i was talking to your boobs.

sometimes I spend entire meetings wondering how they get the big meeting table through the door