Jokes

My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I’m pretty damn excited.

I place $20 in a box.
So do you.
Now the box contains $40, and we both know it.
I sell the box to you for $30. And we both walk away with a $10 profit.

My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I’m pretty damn excited.

Wife: Do you wanna have sex?

Me: Yeah, I thought you’d never ask

Wife: Ok here’s £40 and there’s a brothel around the corner.

As I bent down on one knee in the expensive restaurant my girlfriend starting crying and screaming “Yes!” As I picked up my phone from the floor I asked, “What the hell are you yelling for?”

I said to my husband “Why don’t you tell me you love me?”

He said “For fuck sake woman, I can’t win, you told me last week to stop lying to you.”

I always have skis mounted on the roof of my car just in case I flip it and land in the snow.

I don’t even call it a hangover anymore. It’s just morning.

I keep getting bombarded with emails about penis enlargement.

I wish my wife would stop it.

Ive never caught my penis in my zipper…

See a small penis is too good for something.