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Jokes

  • I can cut down a tree just by looking at it.

    It’s true! I saw it with my own eyes.

  • Why was Christopher Nolan unable to share his movies?

    Because he had NO-LAN!

  • Shout out to my wife for explaining the word “many” to me

    It means a lot

  • [Long] [OC] First time. I accept constructive criticism. *There are two friends who always go in search of the best pigs.*

    On one day, the second friends birthday, the first friend wishes to find only the most beautiful pig for his friend. He goes searching long and wide for the perfect pig. His friend, unsuspecting, goes to search for a perfect pig for himself and lands upon a place filled with the most majestic pigs you could ever imagine. The second friend goes looking and finds a golden pig. He approaches this shiny creature and tries to carry it only with failure as it is very heavy. In defeat, he stumbles over to the side of the pig. The golden pig exclaims “you could just ask me to move, you know.” The second friend, shocked, says “you can talk!?” The pig explains how he is the only of his kind and that there are no other pigs who can speak. The first friend is still searching for the pig and he stumbles upon a big area. He goes inside. He sees signs, food, objects, activities. Wonderful, he thinks to himself. He goes searching for the pig and gets the perfect idea. He finds exactly what he is looking for and heads home. Home Friend two: “I have the most wonderful pig to show you.” Friend one: “As do I.” Friend two: “Mine can speak and it is the last of his kind.” Friend one: “There is another.” The first friend pulls out a small box. Friend one: “It is in here” Friend two: “It couldn’t possibly fit in there!” Friend one reaches into the box and pulls out an object. He reaches towards his friend and points it towards him He sees his reflection.

  • Wewe

    How did the french communist say that he needed to pee?Weewee

  • What do you get when you cross a rabbi with a lemon?

    An acidic jew.

  • A chemist walks into a bar and orders a Pb&J sandwich.

    He dies of lead poisoning.

  • My 5 yr old son was playing in the garden and sees 2 spiders, He asks me “Is that a mummy Ionglegs under that daddy Ionglegs?”

    No son, there is no mummy Ionglegs only daddy Ionglegs.” I felt pretty proud of my answer, until he stomps on both spiders saying, “We’ll have none of that gay shit in our fucking garden.

  • People used to call me ugly until they saw my bank account….

    Now they call me ugly and poor

  • I heard a story once about an American train driver.

    He was operating a late night train and feel asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognize a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given the choice of final meal and chose a single banana, oddly. His time came and he was placed into the chair, the room vacated and then the switch was thrown.But… Nothing. No sparks, no burning, nothing. They checked the machine and it was working fine, it just seemed not to harm him. The state law meant that, legally, his sentence had been carried out and he was free to go. He walked away a free man, and actually got another job as a train driver.Sadly, almost exactly the same thing happened again. This time his negligence killed two kids playing around on the tracks when again he’d fallen asleep and failed to stop the train in time. Hauled before the courts again, he got exactly the same sentence – the electric chair. He was asked again for his final meal, chose two bananas this time, and his sentence was carried out again.And yet again, he didn’t die. In fact, he was entirely unharmed. The state law remained the same, so he was let out again, where – somehow – he got another job with another train company. I guess it was the only job he was trained for (pardon the pun). Anyway, this time he did much better and worked hard to stay awake during his late shifts. But sure enough, eventually he slipped back in to old habits and this time killed five people – a family trying to free their dog stuck in the tracks.Once again he faced a jury, once again they found him guilty and a judge sentenced him to the electric chair. This time he asked for 5 bananas, but the guard was wily – he has read about this man and how he always had bananas before his sentence was carried out, and so this time (with a grin, it’s said) he brought the train driver 5 apples instead. The guilty man plead and begged for bananas, but the guard claimed it was an honest mistake but too late to change now.The man was lead for a third time to the electric chair. His head was whetted, his arms strapped in, and the guard eyed him with something between wonder and fear. Finally the room was vacated and the switch thrown. Surely this time the machine would do its job? With the process finished, the guard ran back into the room, only to find the man still alive and looking entirely healthy. “I don’t understand! I set the equipment up myself, I know I did it right, and I know it’s all working! And I didn’t let you have any bananas! Please, you have to tell me – why are you still alive?””It’s quite simple” replied the train driver. “It has nothing to do with the bananas – I’m just a really, really bad conductor.”