Jokes

WARNING! Alec Baldwin has arrived in the UK and due to start shooting soon.

My sense of humor is a lot like COVID
Tasteless, not good for large groups, and anyone who gets it is pretty sick.

My wife said she’s not with me cause I have money, she just likes my company.

Income tax.. The fine you pay for being a productive part of society.

Welfare.. The reward you get for being an unproductive leech on society.

They fired me from my job because I’m too insecure.

Never mind, the mail server was down for a while.

An old man was attending his wife’s funeral. The preacher walked up to him and said, “May she rest in peace.”
The man replied, “I don’t know about her, but I certainly will.”

How is sex like applying for a job
Everybody wants experience but you can’t get experience unless you already have experience

A thirty year old man goes to a psychiatrist…
Psychiatrist: How long have you been married?
Man: 42 years.
Psychiatrist: How is that even possible?
Man: I count in dog years because my wife is a bitch.

Joe Biden called a press conference, to discuss his meeting with Vladimir Putin…

“The good news, is that Mr Putin told me that he wants peace.”

After everyone cheered and clapped in relief, he added the bad news…

“A piece of Crimea, a piece of Ukraine, a piece of Finland…”

Eat your dinner, there are people starving in Africa” said my wife
I replied : “Lets have sex then because there are horny men…. basically everywhere.”