Jokes

Boss: “You have to take a drugs test.”

Me: *knows all the drugs* “No problem…”

Phone: Files have been saved to device.
Me: Sweet. Where?
Phone: I don’t know.

Wife: Honey, the vacuum cleaner doesn’t suck any more!
Hubby: Wait let me see……ah….we have to get a new one…..this one probably got married!

I saw my girlfriend with another guy at the mall. I was about to confront them but I managed to calm myself down.
That wouldn’t be a good example to set in front of my wife and kids.

Hubby: Babe, I had a wet dream about you last night.
Wife: Oh yeah? What was I wearing? Or not wearing?
Hubby: Well…it was a combination of rubber and metal.
Wife: Ooohhh….tell me more!
Hubby: You were hit by a bus and I pissed myself laughing!

A man died and went to heaven. A few days later his wife died and she also went to heaven. She saw him there and ran to him with tears of joy in her eyes. He saw her running to him and immediately said “Whoa whoa whoa……the contract said till death do us part!”

Apparently having sex constantly helps the memory..

Happy Christmas everybody..

I hate it someone says “Get a job doing what you love”.
Who is gonna pay me to chug Vodka and and act like an asshole all day!!

what if Noah made a website?
He would call it Waterbnb

You always claim Germans don’t have humour,
but we have. It’s just like healthcare. Most Americans don’t get it.