A man with no arms and legs was sun baking on the beach.

A gorgeous blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes.“Have you ever had a hug?” She asked. “No.” So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug.Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man.“Aw look at you honey. Have you ever been kissed?”“No.” He says. She leans down and gives him a passionate kiss.Another few minutes pass and another stunning lady walks past.“Oh you poor thing…Have you ever been fucked?” “No.” “Well you will be soon, the tides coming in.”

Nothing like a nice cold beer after a nice cold beer.

September 17

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A man finds a genie in a bottle He rubs it. A genie pops out “you have two wishes” The guy says “hold up, aren’t I supposed to get three wishes?” the genie replies “Check your pants” The guy looks down his pants, and slightly surprised, says “how did you know?” Genie says “I’ve been […]

September 17

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Our company recently did a password audit, it was found that an employee was using the following password: “VaderObiwanLukeBobafettGandalfFrodoGimliLegolasSacramento” When asked why he had such a long password, he rolled his eyes and said: Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital.”

September 17

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Last night I was drunk and told myself I needed to stop drinking. I went into the fridge the next day and grabbed a beer Cause I’m not going to listen to a fucking drunk talking to themselves.

September 16

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My father is Cuban and my mother is from Iceland. So i am…… ….. an Ice Cube

September 16

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My wife recently discovered I was cheating after she found all those letters I’d been hiding. She got really mad and said she’s never going to play Scrabble with me again.

September 15

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Sex is like pizza

Even when it’s bad, they still expect me to pay for it

September 15

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I’m really not worried about anti-vaxxers….. It’s a dying movement.

September 14

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What small thing screams “I’m rich”? A dwarf who just won the lottery.

September 12

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A man walks into a bar…

The bartender asks “Why the long face?” The man replies “I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I’ve decided I’m going to drink myself to death.” The bartender looks shocked and says “I’m sorry I can’t help you kill yourself.” The man asks “Well what would you do in my situation?” […]

September 12

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