Jokes

As I sat down in the pub with my pint, I put my Nokia 3310 on the table in front of me. My mate immediately burst out laughing and put his iPhone next to mine. I gave it a disdainful look.”Why don’t you get a better phone, mate?” he asked.”I don’t need one.” I replied. “My phone does everything that I need and it’s better than yours.”
He burst out laughing again. “Better than mine?” he roared. “Mine has 3G, Wi-Fi, the iMessage service, a best-in-class browser, five megapixel camera, access to the App Store for virtually unlimited customisation plus a built-in iPod for all my music. If yours is better than mine, I’ll give you my phone.”
“I don’t want your phone.” I said, “Mine’s the best, why would I want a second-best, second-hand phone? I tell you what, though, if I can prove that mine is better than yours, how about you give me the cash equivalent of your phone?”
“You’re on!” he crowed. “Show me something with your phone and I’ll show you how mine is better”

Casually, I knocked my phone off the table.

I like to hug my enemies.
So I know how big to dig the hole to bury them in..

Friend: I see you still haven’t lost your sense of humor
Me: I see you still haven’t found yours

My wife said “Tell me you love me”.

I replied, “Give me a fucking chance, I’m only on my 8th beer”.

I asked my boyfriend if he would stay with me when I get fat and ugly.

He said ” I’m already here…”

One firefly to another: “I really need to get some glasses, I nearly fucked a lit cigarette”.

Nudist beaches are great

The only problem is the quality control.

I’d like to invent a new game. You compare boobs in size, shape, quality and performance.

I call it battle of the boobs.

How do we not have a law requiring the cashier to high five you when making a condom purchase?

Ever wonder if the sound effects in porn is actually just a recording of a fat girl eating a delicious hamburger?