Jokes

I don’t know babe, you have an iPhone and I have an Android. We’re just two completely different people.

Men, never go to a bar to pick up women. Just hang out in the shower head section at Home Depot.

I’ve just dropped my wife off at her mom’s, on my way to the bar.

Man I fucking love this helicopter.

Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider’s home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy…you just hoped nobody found out.

If humans stood in a single file line around the equator,
most of them would drown.

What I’ve learned from movies: No matter how fast you run, a psychopath can catch up to you by slowly walking.

When I tell my barber to “take a little off the top”, he tells me god already beat him to it.

A professor at Auburn University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. Getting a feel for his students, he asks “How many of you believe in ghosts?” About 80 of his students raise their hands.
“That’s a good start I suppose. Those of you who believe in ghosts, how many have actually seen a ghost?” About 30 students raise their hands.
“That’s good. I’m really glad you’re taking this seriously. Ok, has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” About a dozen students raise their hands.
“That’s a great response. Has anyone ever touched a ghost?” Two students raise their hands. “That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one last question… have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He removes his glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, in all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever actually claimed to have slept with a ghost. Why don’t you come up here and tell us about it.” The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.” The student replies, “Ghost? Oh… I thought you said ‘goats’!”

I looked at my girlfriend ,who was sitting next to me, and I thought to myself, “My God, what a beauty! What a woman! True love has finally come my way after years of searching! Finally I’ve found joy and happiness! I can finally settle down and start a family with my soulmate!” I swear, it’s like she could read my mind because next thing you know she looked at me with those beautiful light brown eyes of hers, kissed me, and said… “Babe I’m hungry. I’m going to the kitchen to make use a couple sandwiches; however, they won’t have bacon on them because there is none. I ate it all this morning.”

And THAT my friends is the story on why I’m single again.

My boss asked me to work through my lunch break today.
I shouted, “You fucking Asshole! I come in at 7.30 and don’t get thanks for it, work till 6 at night and don’t get thanks for it, while lazy bastards like you leave at 2 just to play golf all fucking afternoon!”

….Then I emailed him back and said, “Sure boss, no problem”