Jokes

Even when it’s bad, they still expect me to pay for it

I’m really not worried about anti-vaxxers…..
It’s a dying movement.

What small thing screams “I’m rich”?
A dwarf who just won the lottery.

The bartender asks “Why the long face?”
The man replies “I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I’ve decided I’m going to drink myself to death.”
The bartender looks shocked and says “I’m sorry I can’t help you kill yourself.”
The man asks “Well what would you do in my situation?”
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says “If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn’t sit around feeling sorry for myself, I’d kill the guy.”
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts “That’s a great idea! Thanks!” and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
“Did you kill the guy?” The bartender asks nervously.
“Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please.”

In “Matrix 4”, Neo is so old that he doesn’t hesitate to choose the blue pill.

I hired a specialist aviation lawyer to deal with a dispute I had with an airport baggage handler.
He lost my case.

Having sex with me is like microwaving food at 3am..
The longest minute and a half of your life

I do what the voices in my wife’s head tells me to do…

You know how when you break up with someone, and see them later and they have gained a lot of weight and that makes you happy?
I bet that is how England feels about USA.