Jokes

I’ve come to the conclusion that people don’t make me feel stupid..

I really am.

“You have to enjoy the little things in life,”

…I whispered into my girlfriend’s ears, as I took my pants off.

Men like football because the priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man’s life…. Scoring and Ball Security…

I was in my Psychology class yesterday and we were learning about Pavlov and laughing about how stupid those dogs were.

Anyway, then the bell rang and we all went for lunch.

If it’s dark in the bedroom, it may take several minutes for me to find the hole and even a few more minutes to stick it in correctly.
My wife can’t stand it when I try to charge my mobile in bed.

I lost a very good friend and drinking partner yesterday..

His finger got caught in a wedding ring..

I was arrested today over a slight misunderstanding at work.

Apparently taking your work home is classified as ‘theft’ when you work in a ‘Bank’

Bars are weird, they’re the only business that kicks you out for buying too much of their product.

Its never polite to ask the guy at the next table “are you done with that?”

Especially when he’s breaking up with his girlfriend.

I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. OK, all grapes. Fermented grapes. I’m having wine for dinner.