Jokes

50% of marriages fail… if you were going skydiving and they told you only 50% of the parachutes opened… would you still fucking jump

FAVORITE SEX POSITION:
Really doesn’t matter as long as I’m not by myself!!!

A recent study shows that the leading cause of pregnancy in Ireland ….
Is Guinness!

“We’re going to be together for the rest of our lives,” smiled my girlfriend as we flew out to our dream holiday in Hawaii. 
“You seem pretty sure of yourself,” I replied. 
“I am,” she said, gazing out the window. “The left wing’s fallen off and the engine’s on fire.”

“I bet you your car, house, savings, and dignity that you can’t make me happy for the rest of my life.”
-Women

My psychologist: Mhmm. Been drinking heavier than usual?
Me: Mmm. Uhh. No, not really. Just the occasional glass of wine with dinner.
My psychologist: Uh huh. And how many dinners have you had today?

Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.

girl- Harder! Deeper!! Faster!!!
me- Wetter! Tighter!! Younger!!!

If her bra and panties match when you take off her clothes, it wasn’t you who decided to have sex.

If someone says “You look familiar,” just ask “Were we in prison together?” That will stop any further conversation…
You’re welcome…