Jokes

I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday and he said, “I want to try a little reverse psychology on you in this session.”

I said, “That’s fine but I charge $200 an hour.”

“Can I have a double Jack and coke please?” I slurred. “Don’t you think you’ve had enough, sir?” He replied.

“What? Listen dickhead, I could out-drink anyone. ANYONE! Do you hear me? I’ve been drinking for three days and am going to continue drinking for the rest of the week. Nobody is going to tell me I’ve had enough. So, can I have a double Jack and coke please?”
“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to step out of your vehicle.”

You know how when you break up with someone, then see them & they’ve gained weight & it makes you so happy?
I think that’s how the UK feels about the USA.

I’m taking the Highway to Hell because I am far too lazy to climb the Stairway to Heaven.

Oops, It slipped, wrong hole! But since I’m already here.. .. ..
-Men

I took a taxi to my court appearance the other day. “What are you here for?” asked the driver.
“My bankruptcy hearing. You might as well come in too.”

Porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.

I might look like I’m doing nothing..
but in my head I’m having a serious conversation

Sometimes it physically hurts to hold back a sarcastic comment.

Some authors write in first person and others write in third person. But I’m writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: ‘I heard from this guy who told somebody….’