Jokes

So a Police Officer pulls over a little old lady in a car going a bit too slow…
Police officer asks the usual, “…know why I pulled you over…” “…license, registration, proof of insurance…”

Lady hands everything over as usual,

And then the Officer asks, “Ma’am, you got any weapons in the car I should know about?”

Old Lady answers “a .45 at my waistband, a Glock in the Center Console, a .357 Revolver in the Glove Box, a 12 Gauge under the back seat, and an AR-10 in the trunk.”

The officer asks, “Jeez, Lady, what the hell are you so afraid of?”

The Lady then answers “Not a Damn Thing.”

“Do you have any idea the long term damage that alcohol is doing to your liver?” the Doctor asked.
“Fuck off Doc,” I replied, “You always try this one when it’s your round.”

Announcement on the clinic website:
Breast enlargement. Penis enlargement.
Discount available for ordering both.

– Dear, turn off the TV. It distracts me when we make love, and I can’t finish!
– I can’t, honey, we’re in the cinema.

My wife said I’m a useless, lazy slob & she deserves better..

I said, “You woke me up at 3 O’clock in the fucking afternoon just to tell me that?!

I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s grandmother.

She’s an animal in bed.

I’m in big trouble with my wife. Lying in bed, she asked ” What I’d like to do most with her body?”

Apparently, “Identify it”, wasn’t the right answer.