Jokes

When someone says, “It’s better than sex” they haven’t been having the right kind of sex.

So a Police Officer pulls over a little old lady in a car going a bit too slow…
Police officer asks the usual, “…know why I pulled you over…” “…license, registration, proof of insurance…”

Lady hands everything over as usual,

And then the Officer asks, “Ma’am, you got any weapons in the car I should know about?”

Old Lady answers “a .45 at my waistband, a Glock in the Center Console, a .357 Revolver in the Glove Box, a 12 Gauge under the back seat, and an AR-10 in the trunk.”

The officer asks, “Jeez, Lady, what the hell are you so afraid of?”

The Lady then answers “Not a Damn Thing.”

“Do you have any idea the long term damage that alcohol is doing to your liver?” the Doctor asked.
“Fuck off Doc,” I replied, “You always try this one when it’s your round.”

Announcement on the clinic website:
Breast enlargement. Penis enlargement.
Discount available for ordering both.

– Dear, turn off the TV. It distracts me when we make love, and I can’t finish!
– I can’t, honey, we’re in the cinema.

My wife said I’m a useless, lazy slob & she deserves better..

I said, “You woke me up at 3 O’clock in the fucking afternoon just to tell me that?!

I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s grandmother.

She’s an animal in bed.