Jokes

Some marriages have a happy ending…

It’s called divorce.

I wish you a happy New Year and for it to finally start looking like your photos on Instagram!

The man’s wife informed him that there was a plumbing leak just as he was leaving for work.
He advised her to contact a plumber to have the problem resolved.
When he arrived at work, he called her and inquired, “Has the plumber come yet?”
“Not quite,” she replied, “but I’ve got him breathing hard.”

Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia on a Mastercard?
Because his Visa didn’t work!

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight…
“This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’” Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can’t tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you’re looking for is ‘aunt.’” “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

My wife insisted that we go to Stockholm in vacation.
I didn’t want to go at first, but now, I don’t want to leave.

Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.
They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch, thinking that their wife should be really happy.

A woman goes to her husband’s funeral and bursts out laughing. People ask her why she’s laughing? And she replies: We’ve been married 30 years, and this is the first time I know where he’s going

What do you call a society of depressed people?
A melancholony.

All my life, I never imagined I’d wake up at 6am and go jogging…..
…..And I was right.