Jokes

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@NJ

‘Oh God! Plz save mee!’
– “As jpg or pdf?”

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@Mo

How does mayonnaise laugh?

LMAYO.

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@Adam95x

My wife divorced me because I accidentally put it in the wrong hole. Fair enough it was her sister’s but still…

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@var_lock99

My dad always told me that I am special, that I’m the 1%.

Later in life, i learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.

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@MO

The only time my wife will ever scream, “DEEPER. DEEPER…..”

…. is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.

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@MO

My grandad went to the doctors complaining about fluid on the knee.

The doctor told him, he wasn’t aiming straight.

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@Nutty squirrel

Bartender: Sorry, we don’t serve time travelers here.

A time traveler walks into a bar

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@mo

If you go to jail for tax evasion, aren’t you basically living off taxes, for not paying taxes?

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@waka waka waka

The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macauley Culkin because I always go home alone.

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@Nutty Squerel

Husband: Wow honey, you look great today! Did you do something different with your hair?
Wife: Michael, I’m over here you fucking idiot!