My wife baked me a cake and I told her I was sending it to Budapest.

She asked why Budapest.I said I’d renamed my stomach BudapestShe asked why againBecause Budapest is the capital of Hungry.She is divorcing me.

3 Men On An Island

3 friends were stranded on an island. After walking for hours, the 3 men. were found by a tribe that lived deep in the woods of the island. The tribe tie them up as prisoners and take them to the village. When they arrive, the 3 men are taken into the chief’s hut.Chief: “You 3 are now sacrifices for my tribe. But, if you each can go and bring back 10 of one kind of fruit, I will spare each who does.” The 3 men set off to find their fruit.The first man returns shortly with 10 apples.The chief then tells him, “Now that you have brought me 10 fruit, you must shove them up your ass without making a sound, or else you will still be sacrificed.”The man gets 3 apples in before he starts crying from pain. He is stabbed and killed by the chief.The second man returns with 10 grapes. The chief tells him the same thing. The man gets 9 grapes in before he starts laughing. He is then stabbed by the chief as well.Then the first man asks the second in heaven, “Why did you laugh?? You only had one more grape and then you’d be free!”The second man says, “I thought I had it too until I saw the last guy walk in with 10 pineapples.”

Why did the pirate take so long learning the alphabet

Because he spent years at C

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;”I would like to buy some cyanide,”The pharmacist asked her;”why in the world do you need cyanide?”She said;”I need it to poison my husband.”The pharmacists eyes got really big and he exclaimed;”Lord Have Mercy I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law. I’ll lose my license,they will throw us both in jail. All kinds of bad stuff will happen. Absolutely not. you CANNOT HAVE ANY CYANIDE.”The lady then pulls a picture out of her purse showing him her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looks at the picture and says;”Well now thats different

Two psychics bump into each other walking down the street…

One says to the other “You’re doing alright, how am I?”

Tree Tunnel in Vermont

r/pics•Posted byu/loluser22961 hour agoTree Tunnel in Vermont
0 points13 comments

A man’s wife is 38 weeks pregnant with twins and he has to go on a month long business trip. Because the man knows that his wife will have the kids while he is gone he puts his brother in charge of accompanying his wife to the hospital and naming the kids.

Half way through the man’s trip, he gets a phone call from his brother who says, “Your wife just had a beautiful baby girl and a bouncing baby boy”The man says, “That’s wonderful! What did you name them?”“Well,” says the brother, “I named your daughter Denice.”“That’s a good name.” The man says, “What did you name my son?”The brother says, “I named him DeNephew.”

A blond takes her goldfish to the vet.

“I think it’s got epilepsy” she tells the vet.Vet takes a look and says “It seems calm enough to me”.The blond says, “Well DUH!!!, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.

So a ventriloquist is on stage telling jokes at a local bar with his dummy on his leg. He asks if the audience wants to hear a blonde joke and the audience cheers with general enthusiasm…

“Ok” he starts, “how many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”But before he can finish, a blonde woman from the audience stands up, outraged.“How dare you! How dare you generalize us like that just based on our hair color!”The ventriloquist apologizes profusely exclaiming that he didn’t mean to offend anyone and that he only told the joke because the audience seemed like they wanted to hear it.“Not you, asshole!” Proclaims the woman. “I’m talking to that fucker on your leg!”

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas

I can’t wait to see his face light up when he open it