Jokes

Sometimes I’ll be sitting on the couch doing nothing, and I’ll think to myself, “Man, I’m really getting good at this.”

My asshole of a boss just yelled at me in front of everyone for eating chips at work.
“John, you’re a fucking croupier!”

20-years together and the Missus still gets upset if I use her toothbrush….
So, if anyone knows another way to get dog shit off my trainers, I’m all ears.

We all know that hygiene is important
But I laundered all my money and now I am being arrested.

The fun part about your 50’s is waking up thinking you’re hungover but then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now…

I’d like to see the guy who invented beer and ask him what’s he working on now.

Life insurance in a nutshell…

The insurance agent is betting that you live, you’re betting that you die…
and you hope that he wins.

Me: “When we were little, my brothers and I used to play Russian roulette.” Friend: “You don’t have any brothers.”
Me: “Right.”