Jokes

I know how women feel, I’ve had pair of breast tattooed on my forehead and now it’s like…
Hellooo, my eyes are down here!

My wife asked me, “Honey, before we got married you use to give me gifts now you don’t, why?”
“Have you ever seen a fisherman giving worms to a fish he already caught?” I answered.

Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.

Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!

Me: ‘I”ve decided to stop studying.”
Mom -”How come?”
Me-”I heard that that someone was shot dead, because he knew too much.”

heres an excuse for bald men: its not a bald spot it’s a solar panel for a sex machine

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.

I sent texts to the wrong people. Now my wife thinks I’m gonna fuck her, and my girlfriend thinks I work late.

A psychiatrist was conducting group therapy with four young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” the doctor observed.
To the 1st mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.” He looks to the 2nd mother, “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.” He looks to the 3rd mother. “Your obsession is alcohol. This manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”
At this point, the 4th mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and says… “Come on, Dick, we’re leaving!”