Jokes

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and if I leave now, I might lose their trust.

I’ll call it a “smart” phone the day I yell “Where’s my phone?!” and it answers, “I’m here! Under your jacket!”

It’s hard to explain jokes to kleptomaniacs, because they always take everything literally.

Took the wife out for dinner last night & I was just about to order the steak when she said, “Why don’t you try something you haven’t had for a long time?”
So I asked the waitress for some sex.

the best relationship advice i can give you is make sure you’re the crazy one…

Sometimes, my secretary reminds me of my wife.　　　　　　　　
I was unbuttoning her blouse the other day, and she said, “Remember, you have a wife.”

You`re so boring, if you threw a boomerang, it wouldn`t come back to you.

‘Lite’, the new way to spell ‘light’, now with 20% fewer letters.

High heels were originally created for men. Butchers used them to avoid stepping in blood.

They were also used as weapons befor they became fashion accessories.

I love the internet becuase its the one place where people from all different cultures can socialize and share ideas and…….wait, which folder did my porn download to?!?!