Jokes

A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him “You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!”
One day Arthur’s mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!!
The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!!
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform…… Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful……
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died!
The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw Arthur, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Hoover !!!!!
Don’t tell me you thought that Arthur became a feckin’ doctor!

Doctor – You have a serious disease..
Me -oh no..?
Doctor-..that you can cure by eating healthier and exercising.
Me-OH NO!!?

I took a girl back home last night. We got kissing on the sofa, before I slipped my hand in her knickers, she asked, “Shall we take this upstairs?” I said, “No, I’d rather we did it here.” “Oh I see.” She winked, “Something in your bedroom you don’t want me to see eh?” I said, “Yeah, my wife.”

A boss has to interview 4 girls for a secretary position. He asked the same question to each one of them.

Boss : “A woman normally has lips in 2 different places. What’s the difference between the two ?”

First Girl : “One is hairy, the other isn’t.”
Boss : “OK… good !”

Second Girl : “One can talk but the other can’t.”
Boss : “That’s better !”

Third Girl : “One is vertical & the other is horizontal.”
Boss : “Hmm.. clever !”

Last Girl : “One is for me & the other is for my Boss.”
Boss : “You are hired… !”

How to get a woman to think about you nonstop…

…borrow a large sum of money from her?

It would be horrific if farting was as contagious as yawning.

There was this girl in high school that said she’d only sleep with me if the world was ending, thinking about giving her a call.

The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the murder of her husband. They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide….

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago”, the homeless woman told me.

“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” I asked.

“No, I don’t waste time shopping,” the homeless woman said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” I asked.

“Are you NUTS !” replied the homeless woman. ” I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!”

“Well,” I said, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.”

The homeless woman was shocked. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

I said, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.”

The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip, do you think about me?” Apparently “Only to stop myself from coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.