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Measuring tape
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How do you keep a member of congress from walking away when you’re trying to ask them a question?
Give them a piece of gum.
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Her: They’re charging a dollar to pump up your tires now
Me: That’s inflation for you
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When you’re in your 20s, not having sex for three weeks seems like a relationship crises. When you’re in your 40s, not having sex for three years is totally normal.
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My last girlfriend told me something so horrible that I cried three weeks straights and still have nightmares with her saying those horrible words that hurt my soul so bad
She said I was too sensitive.
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A thief stole 33% of my cow
Ow.
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PLS
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My sister needs help in buying headphones.
My sister is looking for a new pare of headphones. She has traditionally only bought Beats, and I was trying to persuade her not to buy them again. She doesn’t really care about sound quality, as long as it is quite good, she wants them durable, over the ear, and good for running in. Price limit of about £120, are there any headphones you would suggest (we are both novices so please keep things easy to understand) thanks.
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Merry Christmas everybody!
One day four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?”And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
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I once dated a girl with a lazy eye
Turned out she was seeing someone else on the side.
Jokes
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