Jokes

I was riding my motorbike yesterday, when I had to suddenly swerve to avoid hitting a kangaroo.

I lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, “Are you okay?”

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with a cleavage to die for..

“I’m okay I think,” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

“Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head”, she said.

“That’s really nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife will like me doing that!”

“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse,” she insisted. “I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, “I’m sure my wife won’t like this.”

We arrived at her place which was just few minutes away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I’d better go now.”

“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I had ever seen. “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything,” she continued. “By the way, where is she?”

“Still in the ditch with my bike.”

How do you please a woman in bed?

Let her sleep.

My wife and I were heading out for our date night.
The babysitter smiled and said, “you don’t need to rush home, take as long as you want!”

That was 2 years ago. I hope she likes being a mom.

Last year I made 7 figures.
This year I’m working on Snow White.

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, “Wouldn’t a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?”The second nun answered, “Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the checkout counter.”I can handle that without a problem.” She replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the checkout. The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.“We use beer for washing our hair “ the nun said, “a shampoo of sorts if you will.”Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said “The curlers are on the house.”

Asked an old guy at the bar: “what’s the best beer here?”
He said: “the third one”