Jokes

I took viagra when I got to the office today.
I’m working hard now.

I opened my electric bill and my water bill at the same time- I was shocked!!

I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby minimizing the total distance travelled?”
Well don’t you know, she loved my suggestion!
It used to take her 11 minutes to make her breakfast… now I do it in 5.

Mom: What did you do at school today?
Me: We did a guessing game
Mom: But I thought you had a math exam.
Me: That’s right!

What do sex and the U.S. Military have in common?
When you pull out at the wrong time you end up wasting 20 years and a lot of money

Accordion to a recent survey, 7 out of 10 people don’t notice when a word in a sentence is replaced
by a musical instrument.

Wife was massaging her husband’s head.
Wife : you always ask for a head massage. Wonder who gave it to you before marriage.
Husband : well no one did , I didn’t need one since there was no headache!

If you ever feel lonely, buy stocks.
You will have company

What’s the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and gathers your personal data, and the other is an industry standard.

OMG guys, you won’t believe this but James Bond just came into the bar I work at and ordered a drink
I’m literally shaking right now