Jokes

i pretend to be a plastic surgeon to talk girls into showing me their breast. some call it fraud I call it maNIPPLEation

Accidentally took a women’s multi
vitamin and I’ve been trying to get
dressed for the past 3 hours, but
everything is making me look fat.

It’s illegal to shine a laser pointer at a plane because a cat might attack it.

My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don’t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.

A Beer is always wet, a woman is not….1 point for beer!
Beer is horrible, when it is hot….1 point for women!
A cold beer satisfies you….1 point for beer! For a beer, you pay taxes….1 point for women! If you drink a second beer, the first one doesn’t get angry….1 point for beer! You can always be sure that, you are the first one Opening a beer….1 point for beer! If you shake a beer, after a while it calms down by itself….1 point for beer! You know exactly how much a beer costs….1 point for beer! A beer does not have a mother….1 point for beer! A Beer won’t ask you to hug her for half an hour after having it….1 point for beer! So the Score is……Beer beats women 8 to 2 If you’re a guy, enjoy this message..If you are a woman reading this and getting angry, know that a beer would never get angry……1 point for beer

I love how we call it “social media” when 75% of us are either alone in our homes or on the toilet.

Elementary School; “He told me to!”
Middle School; “It was a dare!”
High School; “I was drunk.”

Husband’s in movies: “I know my dead wife would want me to move on & be happy.”

My Husband: “I know my dead wife would come back to life & kill me if she knew I was happy.”

I don’t approve of political jokes.

I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Mother battery: “all your friends are at the party across the street, why are you here?”
Battery: “mum, we’re batteries, we’re never included”