Jokes

Why don’t aliens visit our Solar System?
They read the reviews – just one star.

Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon
The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
“No. That’s why we want to go to the moon.”

Apparently there’s a new sex position called Parcel Force.
You stay in all day and no one comes

My wife said, “You always come home in a bad mood…”
“I can’t remember the last time you came home in a good mood.”
I said, “That’s because you weren’t here.”

What’s the smartest thing about people?
their phones

Putin visits Ukraine
Immigration officer says: “Name?”. – “Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin”.
“Address?” – “Kremlin, Moscow, Russia”.
“Occupation?” – “No, probably next year”.

I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.

This year, my New Years resolution is to finally go to the gym…
… and cancel that membership I’m been wasting money on every month since last year.

My new year’s resolution is I’m going to be less condescending.
And by the way, condescending means talking down to people.

The three life stages of sex
Age 18-35: Tri-Weekly
Age 35-60: Try Weekly
Age 60-90: Try Weakly