Jokes

she got a text that said ” what are you doing ?” which she answered with ” probably failing my drivers test “

My wife phoned me and said I’m so excited, I just tried on my wedding dress and after 10 years it still fits.

Of course it fits
I replied You were 9 months pregnant when we were married.

My memory foam pillow is so old…..
…That it was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.

– In a scale 1 to 10, how much do you like to argue?
– Would it be possible to make the scale from 1 to 20?
– No
– Why not?!

I received a wedding invitation.
It read, “Your presence itself is a present. We don’t want any presents at the wedding.”

After re-reading it repeatedly, I concluded that I was not invited. So I decided not to attend.

We should let Netflix run the next pandemic…

…they don’t let anything last more than three seasons.

A husband and wife are having dinner at a fancy restaurant when a couple looking absolutely gorgeous walk in
“What a pair!” says the wife

“Yeah, the man doesn’t look too bad either” replied the husband

I just watched a beautiful naked woman do stand-up comedy.
Never laughed so hard in my life.

She kept staring at my lips the whole time, so I kissed her.
So long story short I’m learning sign language now.

I met a woman last week who said she wanted a guy who’s funny and spontaneous
Yet when I tapped on the window late at night wearing a clown suit it was all panic and screaming.