Jokes

My mates call me stingy, so I decided to buy them a beer.

Turns out, they wanted 1 each.

Anything is possible. Tenderly, gently and a little trotil.

My wife was scrolling through Twitter and says, “wow, some people are fucking idiots!”

I replied, “I know, I’m one of them”

My boss pays me just enough so that he knows I won’t quit, so I do just enough work so that I know he won’t fire me.

A friend’s mother gave me a Blowjob.
I didn’t think I’d be blowing up balloons for his party.

A man called his twin brother from prison.
A man called his twin brother from prison.

“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”

What’s the difference between Sex, and Hide & Seek?

With Hide & Seek I can count to ten before I shout, “I’m coming, ready or not”

Extrovert: It’s a pleasure to meet you.

Introvert: It’s a pressure to meet you.

I just walked into a restaurant.
They asked if I had any reservations.
I said yes, I heard the reviews were shit.

Today I was thinking that I needed a break from life, then it dawned on me that life is fine, I need a break from stupid people.