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Jokes

  • right arm

    Girl: Do you play tennis?
    Me: Why?
    Girl: Well, your right arm seems a lot more firm than your left.
    Me: Yeah I play tennis

  • tip

    My wife told me to leave a tip for our waitress. “OK” I said, motioning to the waitress, “don’t ever get married”

  • android

    “yea you can use my charger, mine is full” -no Android user ever

  • last meal

    I’m having a relaxing bath and I think my girlfriend is making me a sandwich! YES! I assume anyways since she’s bringing the toaster into the bathroom.

  • NO

    *Drives into drive-thru*
    May I take your order?
    No.
    *Drives away.*

  • stupid

    I was painting my room with my brother when I realised.
    he’s not a very good brush.

  • huge…

    Q. Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have?
    A. Huge tits.

  • every picture

    I don’t get why people say, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is when you were younger.

  • someday I will…

    I propose we add a day to the week and call it “someday”. Just imagine all the stuff that would get done on that day.

  • name

    James: My name is Bond. James bond.

    Dumbledore: My name is Dumbledore. Brian dumbledore. Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore.