Jokes

John was furious when his steak arrived too rare.
“Waiter,” he shouted, “Didn’t you hear me say ‘well done’?”
“I can’t thank you enough, sir,” replied the waiter. “I hardly ever get a compliment.”

No, standing as close to me as you possibly can, will not make the line move faster.

If you drink enough, your brain starts photoshopping people!

I would rather die:
A husband walks in on his wife having an affair. Enraged, the husband grabs the man and takes him out to the shed. He takes the man over to a workbench, and then locks the man’s “manhood” into a bolted down vice.. Then the husband leaves. He returns a moment later with an old, dull, rusty butter knife. The man pleads with the husband, “I had no idea she was married! PLEASE don’t cut off my member!! Please!!”
The husband looks confused? He sets the knife on the counter next to the man and says, “I am not going to cut off your dick?
..I’m going to set the shed on fire. You’re going to cut off your dick.”

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theater where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says,
“This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line
‘Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress’ ok?” The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he’s practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and he delivered the line……. The theater erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! “You fucking idiot!” he cried, “you’ve ruined me!” The actor was bewildered, “what happened, did I forget my line?” “No you ass,” screamed the director, “you forgot the rose…”

Just because she weighed as much as two women…. doesn’t mean you had a threesome.

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, “It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her.” Adam answered, “Yes Lord, but what is a ‘kiss?’ ” So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, “Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.” And the Lord replied, “Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I’d like you to caress Eve.” And Adam said, “What is a ‘caress?’” So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, “Lord, that was even better than the kiss.” And the Lord said, “You’ve done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve.” And Adam asked, “What is ‘make love’ Lord?’” So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, “Lord, what is a ‘headache?’”

According to the anti-piracy ads “Copying DVDs is steeling”
By that logic, taking a photo is kidnapping.

And the lord said “let there be light!”…

And beer has never been the same since.