Jokes

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink.
Walking up behind her he says: “Hi there, good lookin’. How’s it going?”
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: “Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on,dirty, clean… It just doesn’t matter to me. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it.”
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: “No kidding. I’m a lawyer too. What firm are you with?”

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. Read More »watch out

I see the U.S. will provide financial aid to Ukraine if the leaders confront corruption.

Because if anything stops corruption, it’s bribing someone to stop corruption.

Playgrounds
1991 – My dad’s tougher than your dad
2014 – My mum’s tattoos are better than your mums.

Some people are claiming they have spotted the Loch Ness monster on Apple Maps. But it turned out it was just a car that drove into the lake because it was using Apple Maps.

Women will think you are lying,
even when you’re not.

If one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

“Religion is here, so the poor don’t murder the rich”
Napoleon Bonaparte

ME: Baby do I look fat withthis costume?
HIM: of course not hun, you’re the sexiest Orange ever!!
ME: I’m a carrot -.-

As I sat there, twirling my hair in my fingers, I thought…

I really need to shave my balls…