Jokes

Took my son out for his first Pint today.
I got him a Fosters, he didn’t like it, I drank it. Then I got him a Budweiser, he didn’t like that either, I drank it. It was the same with the Guinness and the Cider. By the time we got down to the Whisky,
I could hardly push the fucking stroller.

Christmas presents are like sex
It’s always more fun to get them from other people than to give yourself one.

I think Google is broken or something…
I did a Google Image search for Rorschach tests, but all that shows up is pictures of my dad hitting me.

The mechanic asked me if I’ve ever rotated my tires.
How does he think I got here?

man: my wife has laryngitis
Doctor: there’s no cure sir
man: cure it? l want you to prolong it.

– Daddy they are shooting at school
– Well log off then…

I buried my best porn in a time capsule.
For the generations to come.

The reason so many guys have foot fetishes is because they lost their virginity to a sock.

Alright… Who pushed the fast forward button on my weekend?