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Jokes

  • wondering

    Sometimes I stay awake wondering if there’s a number between 1 and 10 that thinks of me too.

  • dictionary

    I’m going to purchase a dictionary, as after watching Final Destination 5, I clearly don’t understand the meaning of Final.

  • battery

    My next door neighbors Smart car’s battery died…

    I had to give him a jumpstart from my iPod.

  • distraction

    Cell phones are a distraction while driving.
    Says cops with radios, dash cams, laptops, cell phones, radars and donuts.

  • BBC news

    “Welshman saves sheep by giving it the kiss of life”
    ….Thats the exact same thing I would have said to someone if I got caught getting it on with a sheep.

  • guess

    They call me Mr. Rhetorical. Can you guess why?

  • page six

    I couldn’t buy perfume this week so I rubbed a magazine on my shirt. When people ask ” What’s that heavenly smell?”

    I say “Page six.”

  • I always knew

    I always knew you’d hurt me. I knew you’d break my heart and just walk away.
    Who the fuck steals someone’s beer!?

  • I learned something

    There’s one thing I’ve learnt working at Mcdonalds.
    I should have fucking tried harder at school.

  • explanation

    wife:”could you explain to me why I woke up this morning with a cucumber up my arse? ”
    husband:”could you explain to me, why you didn’t wake up when I put it there? “