Jokes

My favorite bumper sticker: “If you can read this, I can slam on my breaks and sue you.”

My blonde secretary had to take down a lot of notes, so I told her she could use my Dictaphone. She said, “No, thanks. I’ll use my finger.”

Be yourself.
Unless you want to be with me. Then be what I want. At the exact moment that I want it.
– All women

After spending every spare minute of the last ten years trying to perfect my cloning machine, I finally cracked it last night.

Now I don’t know what to do with myself.

Now that most computers have touchscreens, websites should make their advertising links look like smudges.

“People should just mind their own business,” probably the funniest thing I’ve ever read on a social networking site.

Classic-
“Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I’ll be watching you.”
-The Dog

A bird shat on my arm. So naturally I wiped it off with a piece of bread and fed it to the bastard. Check mate mother fucker.

The sight of a woman’s cleavage reduces a man’s ability to think clearly by 50%

Per boob.

I put “your name” on my paper and when the teacher said “who put your name on their paper?” everybody raised their hands.