Jokes

What if humans came from Mars? Some catastrophe happened and they needed to leave so “Noah’s Ark” was built as a space ship instead of a boat. Then when it crashed landed into earth the impact killed the dinosaurs.

There is nothing funnier than yelling, “SHE’S STEALING MY CHILD!” and pointing at a woman who’s having trouble with her kid in public.

I drink while I work out. I call it Bacardio.

Summer vacations: where you drink triple, see double and act single.

I start every Monday morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.

Me when I was little:
“F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for you and me.”
Mom: What are you spelling?
Me: fun
Mom: ohhhh.

I have $.27 in my account…that means I have more money than the whole city of Detroit!

The Hawaiian word for “lava”: “aa”, is remarkably similar to the word for “lava” used in the village of Pompeii: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!”

“Be very silent, i dont want my parents to know. They will kill me if they know I’m doing this, especially with you,” I whisper to my can of soda as I open it at 2 o’clock in the morning.