Jokes

When my wife picks a restaurant that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.Problem solved.

how guys propose: on one knee.
How girls propose: “I’m pregnant!!”

“Can I have a double shot of fireball please?” I slurred.
“Dont you think you’ve had enough, ma’am?”
“Excuse me!? Listen asshole, I could out-drink anyone. ANYONE! Do you hear me? I’ve been drinking for three days and I’m going to continue drinking for the rest of the week. No dickhead is going to tell me I’ve had enough. So, can I have a double shot of fireball please?” “Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to step out of your vehicle..”

I hate when I go to uninstall some program, and then they want me to fill out a survey telling them why.
Like I just broke up with them and they need closure. “No no, Yahoo Toolbar. It’s not you, it’s me. Please stop crying.”

I told my wife to spin the globe, put her finger on it and wherever it lands that will be the holiday destination.
”Ooooo!” she says excited, ”Looks like its the Caribbean.”
”Great .” I replied, ”Now lets see where I’m going.”

I had the awkward moment the other day, where my dad decided to come up to me, and said “Son, we need to talk.” Now when he said this, I thought, oh great, here comes the sex talk.
Read More »talk

In a new survey, 60% of women admitted to using sex as a way of controlling their relationships. The other 40% were blatant liars…

Sometimes, my secretary reminds me of my wife.

I was unbuttoning her shirt the other day when she said, “Remember, you have a wife.”

Girls are like internet domain names.
All the good ones are already taken, so I’m probably going to have to settle for one from a strange country.

Why is it when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a mans rib cage but when you’re alive you struggle with a bag of chips?