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Jokes

  • plans

    I never plan on drinking as much I do.
    …which is why I no longer make plans.

  • to the right place

    My wife called me today to tell me that the car wouldn’t start.

    I said, “Honey, when I’m not there you have to sit in the driver’s seat.”

  • selfie

    Art History Fact: the Mona Lisa is one of the most famous selfies.

  • it’s time

    I started arguing with my gf a lot, we rarely have sex anymore and we can’t stand each other either…

    I think we’re ready to get married…

  • dual

    Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both your wedding and your funeral.

  • copying and pasting

    You know you’re online sex relationship isn’t working out when you discover she’s been copying and pasting her orgasms.

  • settle

    With all the housework that I’ve done today, my boyfriend should give me a gold medal…

    But I’ll settle for a pearl necklace.

  • sets

    This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.

  • dirty

    Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.

    Dirty Bastards.

  • complete dick

    At the end of the year the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.
    While checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said “I notice you buy a lot of candles, what do you do with the drippings?”Read More »complete dick