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Jokes

  • Moth psychiatrist

    A moth walks into a physiotherapists office and says “I don’t know what’s up with me doc. I just feel really down all the time, I don’t know where my life is heading”.The physio says “Why have you come here? I’m a physiotherapist, you need a psychiatrist”.The moth replies “Your light was on”.

  • ITALIANS WILL GET THIS

    Im working on a story about a gay puppet who wishes he were human. everytime he tells a lie his penis gets bigger. Im going to call it ‘FINOCCHIO”

  • If you met the Genie of Christmas what are three wishes you’d ask for?

  • Two peanuts walking down a dark alley..

    One was assaulted.

  • How to get laid for free without the trouble of dating…

    ..Start working at the mortuary like me.

  • A girlfriend is feeling like a stranger

    A girl named Amanda has been dating a boy called Bill for 6 years. Amanda has been anticipating a marriage proposal from Bill ever since their 4th year of dating each other, but she felt too shy to ask about it. Amanda thought to herself, “After 6 years of dating and he hasn’t asked me to marry him? I wonder if he even loves me any more.” Amamda, feeling too awkward to ask Bill directly, decides to send a text that says, “Do you truly love me or have you just been playing with my feelings all these years. We’ve been together for 6 years, but you haven’t asked me to marry you!” Bill looks at Amanda and is about to say something, but realizing that Amanda is feeling awkward about it instead sends a text saying, “Of course I love you Amanda. I can’t express myself properly because I feel shy about it.” Bill also sends a link as well hoping that Amanda will open it. Upon seeing the link, Amanda taps on the link:>!We’re no strangers to love. You know the rules and so do I. A full commitment’s what I’m thinking of. You wouldn’t get this from any other guy. I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling. Gotta make you understand. Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry. Never gonna say goodbye. Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you. We’ve known each other for so long. Your heart’s been aching but you’re too shy to say it. Inside we both know what’s been going on. We know the game and we’re gonna play it. And if you ask me how I’m feeling.

  • The coroners report on George Michaels death turned out to be wrong, he was not completely wasted at his time of death.

    He was totally whammed.

  • Every face tells a story

    And mine is a horror story

  • Why couldn’t the man hear the psycho killer in the stall next to him?

    The ‘p’ was silent

  • What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

    Hey… do you smell carrots?